Either you love him or loathe him .... or maybe you just don't care, but there's no doubting that Jeremy Clarkson is an icon for males of a certain interest group around the world.
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| Jeremy Clarkson |
It's made him very wealthy, and upset the PC brigade more times than a middle aged white man should be allowed to.
My mate Simon is a massive fan, so as a tribute, or is it a 'Homage"? I publish the collected Non PC comments of Mr Clarkson:
"Smokers pay £19,000 a minute to the Exchequer, and that's enough to pay for the whole police force. Or to put it another way, for every £1 we cost the National Health Service, we give it £3.60. Please don't encourage the state to dictate how I live my life."
"Only last week I was at my children's sports day and as I lay in the long grass by the river drinking pink champagne and chatting with other media parents, I remember thinking, 'God, I love being middle class'." (Sunday Times 24 July 2005)
"I do have a disregard for the environment. I think the world can look after itself and we should enjoy it as best as we can".
"Good Shot!" (In reaction to being hit in the face by a pie, by a protester at his Honorary Degree ceremony after the comments above on the environment).
"The only person who ever looked good in the back of a four-seater convertible is Adolf Hitler."
"We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around looking like the Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."
Clarkson has owned several Alfa Romeos, and contends that 'you cannot be a true petrol head until you've owned one ... it's like having really great sex that leaves you with an embarrassing itch'.
"Most Americans barely have the brains to walk on their back legs".
Comparing a rural British village with a rural American village he said that "If this were America, it would be full of people doing… whatever it is they do. Incest, mostly".
"If you're thinking of coming to America this is what it's like. You've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude. It's not the holiday program it's the truth!"
"I honestly believe that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables."
"It really is about as useful as putting a snooze button on a smoke alarm."
"On the seventh day God didn't rest. He looked at what he had created and thought: 'Oh dammit, England's gone all wrong. The sea is washing silt off the coastlines in the north and depositing them in an ugly bulbous lump near Kent'. Today we call this unholy place East Anglia."
On the new Rolls Royce: "It looks like it might kick your head in... for fun. Especially in black. In a pale colour or silver, it looks like Vinnie Jones [footballer and actor] in one of Graham Norton's [gay TV comedian] T-shirts."
"…And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here’s your car!"
"Eighty-five pence for a plastic bottle of Coke? I thought they'd stopped using cocaine as one of the ingredients..."
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That’s what gets you".
Attending a cricket match, Clarkson had this to say on the audience: "Fathers and their sons dressed in matching blazers and slacks, as though women hadn't been involved in the breeding process at all. You just open up the chap like a Russian doll, and out pops another one."
"Smokers pay £19,000 a minute to the Exchequer, and that's enough to pay for the whole police force. Or to put it another way, for every £1 we cost the National Health Service, we give it £3.60. Please don't encourage the state to dictate how I live my life."
"Only last week I was at my children's sports day and as I lay in the long grass by the river drinking pink champagne and chatting with other media parents, I remember thinking, 'God, I love being middle class'." (Sunday Times 24 July 2005)
"I do have a disregard for the environment. I think the world can look after itself and we should enjoy it as best as we can".
"Good Shot!" (In reaction to being hit in the face by a pie, by a protester at his Honorary Degree ceremony after the comments above on the environment).
"The only person who ever looked good in the back of a four-seater convertible is Adolf Hitler."
"We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around looking like the Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."
Clarkson has owned several Alfa Romeos, and contends that 'you cannot be a true petrol head until you've owned one ... it's like having really great sex that leaves you with an embarrassing itch'.
"Most Americans barely have the brains to walk on their back legs".
Comparing a rural British village with a rural American village he said that "If this were America, it would be full of people doing… whatever it is they do. Incest, mostly".
"If you're thinking of coming to America this is what it's like. You've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude. It's not the holiday program it's the truth!"
"I honestly believe that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables."
"It really is about as useful as putting a snooze button on a smoke alarm."
"On the seventh day God didn't rest. He looked at what he had created and thought: 'Oh dammit, England's gone all wrong. The sea is washing silt off the coastlines in the north and depositing them in an ugly bulbous lump near Kent'. Today we call this unholy place East Anglia."
On the new Rolls Royce: "It looks like it might kick your head in... for fun. Especially in black. In a pale colour or silver, it looks like Vinnie Jones [footballer and actor] in one of Graham Norton's [gay TV comedian] T-shirts."
"…And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here’s your car!"
"Eighty-five pence for a plastic bottle of Coke? I thought they'd stopped using cocaine as one of the ingredients..."
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That’s what gets you".
Attending a cricket match, Clarkson had this to say on the audience: "Fathers and their sons dressed in matching blazers and slacks, as though women hadn't been involved in the breeding process at all. You just open up the chap like a Russian doll, and out pops another one."
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| Jeremy Clarkson has to keep one eye out for Captain Ahab when he swims! |
"I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."
"… the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."
"Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face."
"It’s the coldest march for twenty years because of global warming."
"It is very foggy out there today, but you’ll note 'The Stig' (The mystery racing car driver) doesn’t have his rear fog lights on, because of course he’s not a blithering idiot."
"It’s, um, a mobile phone holder, or as Richard Hammond (His diminutive co presenter nicknamed 'mouse') calls it, a seat!"
Clarkson suggested that the Germans should build a car that is "quintessentially German." He suggested indicators that displayed Hitler salutes, "A sat-nav that only goes to Poland and 'ein' fan-belt that will last a thousand years" (a reference to Adolf Hitler's propaganda slogan of "the thousand-year Reich").
"It’s pouring down with rain because not enough people have Range Rovers"
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
After appearing on a fashion makeover TV show he said "I'd rather eat my own hair than shop with these two [Woodall and Constantine] again"
"That's possibly why they're burning them in Paris at the moment! [Muslim rioters and French cars]"
"There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning [Fat British comedian] to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."
"Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn't move an inch." [referring to the then-recent gas explosion in Hertfordshire]
Clarkson has colourfully dismissed cars over the years, including the Suzuki Wagon R, which he warned drivers to avoid “like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite” and the Renault Clio V6, which caused him to deduce, “I think the problem is that it's French... It's a surrender monkey.”
"So, the BMW M6. How would it stack up to the Aston I drove earlier? There is a lot to not like about the BMW. The grotesque carbon-fibre dashboard, the enormous steering wheel and the fact that this one is the colour of a vet's forearm."
[On the Corvette Z06] "... as something to live with every day, I'd rather have bird flu."
Discussing Camilla Parker-Bowles, the second wife of Prince Charles: "People often criticize her because she's approaching 60," he quipped, "but they forget that Princess Diana was approaching 120 when she went into the tunnel."
Residents of Norfolk started a campaign in response to comments made by Jeremy implying that people living in the area were backwards. Jeremy claimed that in the 'flat and featureless' county people point and say: "Hey, look, it’s a car!" whenever he drove past, and that the government should tell people to avoid it unless they like: "orgies and the ritual slaying of farmyard animals."
As a true petrol head, Clarkson has a disdain for pedal power, which attracted fury in the wake of the London bombings in July 2005. He warned all those setting off on two wheels for the first time: "Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I’m coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun and do not pull up at junctions in front of a line of traffic. Because if I’m behind you, I will set off at normal speed and you will be crushed under my wheels."
Referring to striking workers in November 2011, Mr Clarkson said: "I'd have them all shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families."
His journey began on Saturday when the Hercules transport plane he was traveling on a flight from Basra to Baghdad was shot at with rockets by insurgents south of the capital. The plane was able to take evasive action and to release flares to shake off the attack.
While in the capital the US army Black Hawk helicopter he was travelling in came under fire again. Later in the day, his return flight to Basra also came under attack. Finally, within hours of arriving back at base at the city’s airport the camp came under mortar-fire by, it is believed, Shia tribesmen.
Clarkson, who was not hurt in the incidents, told the Daily Mirror: "I knew this would happen - this sort of thing always happens to me."
One British soldier said: "We've never seen anything like this occur to one person, especially not a civilian." The TV star has been called "Target Practice" by squaddies following the incidents. One joked: "People are saying he's saved lives because the Iraqis have used so much ammo trying to kill him."
Finally, he did get a bit of a public egging, when he loudly proclaimed that the missing data scandals that had hit Britain were "a fuss about nothing" and gave out his bank details on air, challenging anyone to try and take money from it. Two weeks later he had to admit that someone had set up a direct debit and withdrawn £500 to a charity from his account.
"I opened my bank statement this morning to find out that someone has set up a direct debit which automatically takes £500 from my account," he said. "The bank cannot find out who did this because of the Data Protection Act and they cannot stop it from happening again. I was wrong and I have been punished for my mistake."
"… the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."
"Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face."
"It’s the coldest march for twenty years because of global warming."
"It is very foggy out there today, but you’ll note 'The Stig' (The mystery racing car driver) doesn’t have his rear fog lights on, because of course he’s not a blithering idiot."
"It’s, um, a mobile phone holder, or as Richard Hammond (His diminutive co presenter nicknamed 'mouse') calls it, a seat!"
Clarkson suggested that the Germans should build a car that is "quintessentially German." He suggested indicators that displayed Hitler salutes, "A sat-nav that only goes to Poland and 'ein' fan-belt that will last a thousand years" (a reference to Adolf Hitler's propaganda slogan of "the thousand-year Reich").
"It’s pouring down with rain because not enough people have Range Rovers"
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
After appearing on a fashion makeover TV show he said "I'd rather eat my own hair than shop with these two [Woodall and Constantine] again"
"That's possibly why they're burning them in Paris at the moment! [Muslim rioters and French cars]"
"There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning [Fat British comedian] to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."
"Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn't move an inch." [referring to the then-recent gas explosion in Hertfordshire]
Clarkson has colourfully dismissed cars over the years, including the Suzuki Wagon R, which he warned drivers to avoid “like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite” and the Renault Clio V6, which caused him to deduce, “I think the problem is that it's French... It's a surrender monkey.”
"So, the BMW M6. How would it stack up to the Aston I drove earlier? There is a lot to not like about the BMW. The grotesque carbon-fibre dashboard, the enormous steering wheel and the fact that this one is the colour of a vet's forearm."
[On the Corvette Z06] "... as something to live with every day, I'd rather have bird flu."
Discussing Camilla Parker-Bowles, the second wife of Prince Charles: "People often criticize her because she's approaching 60," he quipped, "but they forget that Princess Diana was approaching 120 when she went into the tunnel."
Residents of Norfolk started a campaign in response to comments made by Jeremy implying that people living in the area were backwards. Jeremy claimed that in the 'flat and featureless' county people point and say: "Hey, look, it’s a car!" whenever he drove past, and that the government should tell people to avoid it unless they like: "orgies and the ritual slaying of farmyard animals."
As a true petrol head, Clarkson has a disdain for pedal power, which attracted fury in the wake of the London bombings in July 2005. He warned all those setting off on two wheels for the first time: "Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I’m coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun and do not pull up at junctions in front of a line of traffic. Because if I’m behind you, I will set off at normal speed and you will be crushed under my wheels."
Referring to striking workers in November 2011, Mr Clarkson said: "I'd have them all shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families."
His Critics nearly got him when he visited Iraq:
His journey began on Saturday when the Hercules transport plane he was traveling on a flight from Basra to Baghdad was shot at with rockets by insurgents south of the capital. The plane was able to take evasive action and to release flares to shake off the attack.
While in the capital the US army Black Hawk helicopter he was travelling in came under fire again. Later in the day, his return flight to Basra also came under attack. Finally, within hours of arriving back at base at the city’s airport the camp came under mortar-fire by, it is believed, Shia tribesmen.
Clarkson, who was not hurt in the incidents, told the Daily Mirror: "I knew this would happen - this sort of thing always happens to me."
One British soldier said: "We've never seen anything like this occur to one person, especially not a civilian." The TV star has been called "Target Practice" by squaddies following the incidents. One joked: "People are saying he's saved lives because the Iraqis have used so much ammo trying to kill him."
Finally, he did get a bit of a public egging, when he loudly proclaimed that the missing data scandals that had hit Britain were "a fuss about nothing" and gave out his bank details on air, challenging anyone to try and take money from it. Two weeks later he had to admit that someone had set up a direct debit and withdrawn £500 to a charity from his account.
"I opened my bank statement this morning to find out that someone has set up a direct debit which automatically takes £500 from my account," he said. "The bank cannot find out who did this because of the Data Protection Act and they cannot stop it from happening again. I was wrong and I have been punished for my mistake."
Typically Clarkson now says of the case: "Contrary to what I said at the time, we must go after the idiots who lost the discs and stick cocktail sticks in their eyes until they beg for mercy."
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