Friday, 1 November 2013

World Gone Nuts

If there was anything that drives me more nuts than anything else in the crazy world we now live in, then its the collapse of common sense in favour of a litigious blame someone else (anyone else) culture. This of course has been driven by ambulance chasing legal weasels, for whom there is always someone to sue (even with no case), because the hardship of litigation may make the innocent pay up, and in any case, with 'no win, no fee' lawyers, there's hardly any cost to making a claim these days.

It's an illness that's infected us as fully as the US, with adverts on UK TV offering no fee claims on every night. I would close 75% of the law courses in the UK to stop these cockroaches breeding in numbers .....

All this has led to ridiculous disclaimers and warnings everywhere you look, as personal responsibility is diminished in public life ..... Here's an example from my local pub .....

A Packet Of Peanuts - Salted

A simple packet of salted peanuts .... it even comes with a picture of the expected contents.

Now most of us would agree that it couldn't be more plain what you had purchased, and what was in the packet. But no, not for lawyers, because somewhere (probably in the USA), someone with a nut allergy has managed to buy a packet of peanuts and somehow convinced a jury of imbeciles, aka their peers (it must have been the deep south), that they had then eaten these nuts, not knowing what they were, and that the allergy attack they suffered was the sellers of the peanuts fault!

Yes, they must have, because other than that explanation, how else can you explain this .... 

Peanuts - Contains Nuts

Yes, a packet of Peanuts contains nuts ..... there's almost nothing I can say.

We live in a western world that has gone plain nuts, and we deserve the slow collapse that our societies are undergoing. And before anyone tells me that we live in a better society than ever, I'll simply point out that when the Ostrogoth Germans under Theodoric the Great took over Italy in 523AD, after the Western Roman Empire had collapsed, there were Roman writers who were still insisting that the world was actually getting better. They were just too close to events to be able to see that in fact the lights were going out, and that they were in the twilight of their own world. Fifty years later it was extinguished in the West.

There are websites that allegedly list more of these warnings or instructions for idiots - these below are just a small selection - there are many, many, more, examples out there:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestions: Defrost.

Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a toboggan:
Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.

On a knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp.

On shin pads for cyclists:
Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

On any takeaway coffee cup:
Caution: Hot beverages are hot.

Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:
In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.

In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets.

On the back of a pilot's seat in a Nato aircraft:
Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.

On the bottom of a cola bottle:
Do not open here.

On a Harry Potter wizards broom:
This broom does not actually fly.

On a box of aspirin:
Do not take if allergic to aspirin.

On a bottle of laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

On a muffin packet:
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

In a kettle instruction manual:
The appliance is switched on by setting the 'ON/OFF' button to the 'ON' position.

On a ketchup bottle:
Instructions: Put on food.

On a bottle of rum:
Open bottle before drinking.

A car park sign:
Entrance only. Do not enter.

A sign in a street in Hong Kong:
Beware of people.

Rules on a tram in Prague:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted.

Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:
Take care: new non-slip surface.

On a can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only.

On a bottle of baby lotion:
Keep away from children.

On a pair of socks bought in Egypt:
Do not wash.

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Some assembly required.

On a can of pepper spray used for self defence:
May irritate eyes.

In a car handbook:
In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors.

On a packet of cashew nut pieces:
Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts.

Directions for mosquito repellent:
Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one.

On a birthday card for a one year old:
Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less.

In a hotel bedroom:
Please do not turn on TV except when in use.

On a toilet cleaning brush:
Do not use orally.

On a can of Spray paint:
Do not spray in your face.

On a TV remote:
Not Dishwasher safe.

On a blowtorch:
Not used for drying hair.

On a washing machine inn a launderette:
No small children.

On a bottle of hair dye:
Do not use as Ice Cream topping.

On a push along lawn mower:
Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.

On a box of fireworks:
Do not put in mouth.

On the packaging for a wrist watch:
Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.

In a dishwasher manual:
Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.

On a toaster:
Do not use underwater.

On a mattress:
Do not attempt to swallow.


  1. I'm thinking of suing you for not warning me of the extreme length of your list. Litigation is one, and I admit the most likely reason for these warnings, another could be that their authors are heeding Robert Heinlein's words : "Never understimate the power of human stupidity."

    1. Both; apparently the reason why it says 'hot' on a cup of 'hot' coffee is that an American woman bought one from a well known purveyor of processed meat burgers and placed it between her legs while driving away. Needless to say she spilt it and burnt her money maker (or maybe her brains) .... and a jury gave her $100k (eventually whittled down to around $1,000 - but only after a costly process of legal fights).

    2. Oh and "WARNING" added after you threat of legislation ....


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