A Cancer Diagnosis Leaves You A Long Way From The Light |
On the 9th of December 2016, after several months of increasing ill health, I was diagnosed with a very bad form of cancer which was quickly classed as inoperable. I was told that if treatment failed to get an exceptional response then I likely wouldn't see August 2017, and certainly not another Christmas.
So my 2016 Christmas holiday break collapsed, and the New Year simply disappeared as I was engulfed into a Stygian Gloom, from which I felt I was likely to never emerge. Oh I kept going, governed largely by autonomic responses, and indeed I carried on working, but some spark had died inside me. Perhaps it was simply hope, but whatever it was, I was no longer quite me any more.
18 weeks of heavy chemotherapy did little to alleviate the feeling of the darkness closing in on me, but just as it finished, a little ray of light finally pierced that all enveloping gloom. I was told that the chemotherapy had worked well enough to make me a candidate for an operation again. So although I quickly slipped back out of the light again (and frankly I was rather frightened of the operation, which was going to be a minimum of 7.5 hours), I now had a glimmer of hope to guide me, and on the 17th of July 2017, I went on to the operating table, resigned to whatever happened next.
Hurrah, it worked, and they got all the obvious bad bits out of me, and this was later followed by excellent pathology reports showing all my lymph nodes were clear .... apparently the chemotherapy had worked far better than anyone had expected, exceptionally in fact. Not a cure, but a hopeful position for at least a few more years.
The Dangerous Part Of The Woods Is Where The Bears Carry Toilet Paper! |
So now its just over 12 months later, and my new birthday has passed so to speak, and if not exactly on top of the world, nor completely out of the woods, I am certainly out of the part of the woods where bears carry toilet rolls.
I have finally broken free of that all enveloping gloom, and am now recrossing the river Styx, and rowing desperately towards the sunlight, in the vague hope of making the safety of the shores of the living. But more importantly, come what may, I am me again ....
Leaving The Stygian Gloom Behind Is A Difficult Journey ...... |
Its a long road that I am now on, but at least I travel it into the rest of 2018 with cautious optimism, and in a far better frame of mind than that with which I entered 2017.
I guess the moral of this is that Nothing is Written in Stone, and we don't always know how things are going to turn out. So if you are facing some difficulty that seems insurmountable, never abandon hope all ye who enter this post!
Good luck to you. My father in-law died within 3 months of a late diagnosis of cancer. Survival rates have improved, but still too many find that getting it is a death sentence. Hopefully the next time you post on this you will be out of the woods.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your loss. Yes, hope still springs eternal.
DeleteGlad you made it and that you're back on the horse!
ReplyDeleteHave you seen Heaven Can Wait? the Warren Beatty film (1978). One of my favourites.
I prefer the earlier version 'Here Comes Mr. Jordan', but not the 2001 version ,'Down to Earth'. I don't intend to post on this subject again, unless its because the blog is ending for that reason. But hopefully not for a long time, long enough indeed for senili ,,, oooh look a kitten video!!
DeleteI don't think I've actually seen Here Comes Mr. Jordan, the boxing element may have put me off, even though it's more plausible to drop dead in the Ring than it is on the Field. I'll give it a go if it's on again. I didn't even entertain Down to Earth, I find Chris Rock a bit annoying.
DeleteThere's not actually much boxing ... Watch it here. ... I never watched the Chris Rock version either.
DeleteI have recently been diagnosed with cancer. Fortunately it's early stages and so treatable with some confidence of success. But it's still worrying and so I am pleased that your post shows that a far worse diagnosis is still treatable.
ReplyDeleteHope your recovery continues for a very long time Xx
Thanks for the comment Anne, and good luck to you as well. It can be a long journey but hope can get you through it.
DeleteI have a lot of flashbacks to the day I was diagnosed and now to why have I survived? I had leukemia stage 3 so a real struggle but I am now clear.
ReplyDeleteHowever I still think about it daily and I don't know why I can't let go?
I am beginning to think that you never break free of the fear that it might come back. I think it's brave of you to be open about your journey without letting it dominate your blog.
Remission must be like being in no-man's land. Not safe but not dead either. Good luck .
I suspect all cancer survivors (those who under went lengthy treatments) suffer from these memories and worries. Remission is difficult, but not without some hope as well as the fears ... it is what it is. Good luck to you as well and congratulations. Hope for us all.
DeleteCancer is another proof that there is no god. Why would any god create us in his/her image then give us cancer. Old age and wear and tear are fair enough, as we are not immortal, but leaving us a random cancer time bomb is another. Children die of it. If we were truly made in the divine image, then the divine was riidled with corruption, and was probably killed off by cancer aeons ago.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a bit harsh. I get the point though, and as a 'non-believer' I can't knock the sentiment. Cancer seems to be such a negative evolutionary bodily development, in that by its very success, it kills its host (if you get my point). Being betrayed by your own body is one of the worst parts of the condition ... you can't transfer your rage and anger to anyone else but yourself. Anyway, before I start ranting, thanks for the comment.
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