Trouble In 'The Peoples Republic'

The 'Peoples Republic of Scouseland' has been going through a few internal problems recently. After somewhat ironically being name "European City Of Culture", things have gone a little down hill.

First there was the "Curran Affair", where Alex Curran, the wife of Liverpool footballer Steven Gerrard (yes in the UK, wives of footballers are now classed as 'celebrities', who keep their own surnames), complained about how rough Liverpool was, and how she never went there anymore (presumably she meant because of all the 'chavs and scallys' ...... easily identified by wearing tracksuits for every occasion, cigarettes hanging from lips, pushing baby buggies carrying little 'steviegee' or 'waynetta', very bad perms and talking in 'klingon' ). She said that "To be honest it's rough. Everywhere new that opens attracts the wrong type of people. It's not nice, so I haven't bothered to go out."

This was after a string of upsetting events, such as having the family mansion targeted by burglars last year (Half the Liverpool team have had their houses robbed by the local scallys, in a campaign presumably led by an Evertonian burglar), Mrs Gerrard (aka Alex Curran) was at home when it happened and police said she was left 'shaken but wasn't hurt'.

Then her husband had to defend himself, before he was attacked, by punching lumps out of a man in a Southport bar (Southport is where Scouse footballers live). Gerrard spent a night in the cells, before eventually being found not guilty in a Liverpool court (If I punched a man because I thought he might attack me, then I would go to prison - ask farmer Tony Martin, although a more recent case an inquest defended a man who attacked a burglar who held a knife to his throat.... even the UK courts recognise that as provocative.)

Ms Curran is herself no stranger to police interviews, as she was questioned about an alleged assault in a Liverpool restaurant in 2006 but no charges were preferred.

Needless to say the 'local officials' have retaliated in typical style .... Police and council chiefs have said that 'Liverpool is getting safer', and is 'one of the top four UK city destinations'. The locals were more circumspect, with some agreeing that it was rough, but others saying that it was Ms Curran who was the "wrong sort".

And there the story might have ended as far as I was concerned (although the 'red top press' are all over her for the remarks, and she will be back peddling as fast as she can, like anyone who 'attacks' the people of the 'Peoples Republic'), but then came the second event.

Kenny Dalglish, former Liverpool player, manager and local legend woke up to find that someone had left a bomb, in the form of a live hand grenade, outside his Southport Mansion. It's not clear if it was aimed at him, or his house was just considered a convenient place by locals in which to store a bomb.

Now thats what I call a rough area Alex!